Ordinary People Taking Action

​​As the first quarter of the year comes into view, many of us find ourselves reflecting not only on the goals we set on New Year's Day but also on the habits we hoped to cultivate. How’s that gym membership treating you?

March is a time when resolutions often wane, and the allure of old habits creeps back in. But why is it so challenging to stick to our resolutions, and how long does it truly take to form new habits?

Habits, those entrenched patterns of behavior, shape our lives more than we often realize. From the mundane to the profound, habits guide our daily decisions and actions. They serve as the brain's way of conserving energy, allowing us to operate on autopilot for much of our routine tasks. The allure of habits lies in the reward they provide our brains, creating a sense of comfort and familiarity.

​Yet, forming new habits isn't as simple as flipping a switch. Research suggests that it can take anywhere from 18 days to a whopping 254 days for a new habit to take root. The commonly cited figure of 66 days may be just the midpoint for many of us, highlighting the complex interplay of behavior, personality, and environment in habit formation.

This is a blog series following my executive coaching client, Christine, as we navigate her personal and career struggles. If you haven’t read Part 1, click here to start from the beginning. For Part 2, click here and for Part 3, click here.

As an executive coach, I build relationships with people – in many cases very deep relationships. Then, when the contract ends, we often part ways. It’s one of the hardest parts of my job, so I am always thrilled to get an update from former clients and honored to receive multiple updates. In the case of my relationship with Christine, a year would pass with no word from her and no resolution as to what happened with her family that caused the sobbing that morning.
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When I coach people, the basis of my coaching focuses on what the individual needs in order to show up at their best. We discuss the concept of “triggers”, which are emotional responses to an event. Triggers can be positive or negative and are often referred to as either productive or counterproductive. We explore anticipated and unanticipated triggers, conscious and unconscious triggers, encouraging and discouraging triggers, and intentional and unintentional triggers.

I moved to a new elementary school and tried to join a group of friends. “Sorry, we have enough in our group already.”

I tried out for the basketball team at the new middle school (as the tallest girl trying out). “Sorry, you’re not good enough.”

I wanted to swim for my dream college. “Sorry, you’re not fast enough, just cut .2 seconds off your time and maybe next year.”

You’re not old enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not experienced enough. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard throughout my life that I am not enough. And while it was never an easy message to hear, the “not enough” narrative has actually, many times, served me well. While I never played basketball in high school, I did become a really good swimmer.

A question coaches are asked a lot is, “How can I juggle work and life?” In my experience, when I am asked this question, my client is feeling like they are taking on too much in one area of their lives. I’d like to start by sharing some stories that I think readers may relate to, especially as the holidays approach.

John is an executive at a large company, who tells me he spends a minimum of 14 hours working, at least three hours driving, 4 hours sleeping and the rest taking care of his living needs. Part of his 14-hour workday is spent texting/emailing, starting before 5am most mornings and ending close to midnight most evenings. His phone rings constantly, often during dinner with his family. He almost always answers. His wife and family rarely see him, and even when he’s physically present, he’s frequently mentally distracted.

Jessica has created a habit where she ends her day in the office at 4:30pm so that she can be home for the kids in the evening. She and her husband tag team to get the kids to various sports and commitments in the evenings, all while juggling the dogs, dinner prep and other household/family needs. After the kids are in bed, typically between 9:30 – 10pm, Jessica will log back onto her computer and “catch up” on the work she missed by leaving the office at 4:30. She typically works until well past midnight, sometimes later. She sees her husband daily yet doesn’t feel that they have any truly meaningful interactions.
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Emily is just returning to work after giving birth to her second baby boy. Her oldest is about to turn 3 years old, so she is juggling the demands of two young children at home and reentering a director-level job at a larger company. She has been late for every morning meeting this week, realizing it’s hard to get out of the house on time and still meet the needs of her kids. She uses the mother’s room every three hours while at the office and has been leaving every day at 6pm. Once home, she is too exhausted to log onto her work email, and yet her work is just getting started at home. Nights mean getting up every 4-5 hours to feed the newborn baby, leaving her sleep deprived the following day.

There is a terrific book titled, The Courage to be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I believe everyone should read this book. I’m borrowing their title.

If there is one thing I have gained in my career (in my life, really) it is the courage to be disliked. Initially, it was difficult. I have values deeply rooted within me of wanting to belong, wanting to be liked and avoiding conflict. Anyone close to me knows how important these three things truly are to me. I also strongly value fairness, professionalism, straight-talk and drive. Others often tell me they see my drive the most. Sometimes it disappoints me that people are quick to appreciate the value of drive over the other qualities.

Congratulations it’s Friday. You made it through the workweek. We find that many professionals are excited about Friday, heck there is even a phrase “TGIF” (Thank God It’s Friday) that is used widely around the world. Friday brings a celebration of sorts that your workweek is over, and you have two days to “recharge”.

Yet, what we find is that rarely do people truly spend the weekend recharging and come Sunday, many of us dread  the thought of heading into the office Monday morning. We are burned out, tired and honestly, disengaged from the work we are doing. It’s a recipe of disaster.
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This was the case for me, Tom Perry, a member of the Thinking People Consulting Collective. I spent years in corporate loving my job, until one day I didn’t. My disengagement snuck up on me and yet, looking back there were signs that I missed that were red flags for my engagement turning to disengagement.

A bracelet that I received several years ago is inscribed, “live what you love”. Not only do I wear this bracelet every single day, it also became the inspiration for the tagline of my business, Thinking People Consulting.
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Let’s back up a few years. I had just given notice to a job that I loved, working with people I loved and for the most part, doing what I loved. I wasn’t, however, in an environment that I loved. It’s only looking back that I can see it clearly. I was going to work every day to an environment that wasn’t allowing me to feel supported, to stay engaged and to feel valued. As I was leaving this job, my colleague gave me the bracelet, with a message that said, “Go live what you love in an environment that you also love. While searching for that environment don’t forget your magic, your strengths, your dedication and your commitment. You’ll move mountains, oh the places you’ll go.” The last part of that note is from my absolute favorite book, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, by Dr. Seuss. “Oh, the places you’ll go” is the quote on the second bracelet this same colleague gave me, on the same day. I wear both bracelets daily.